My Memoir by Watson – Chapter 5
I’ve got man flu. Proper poorly, I am. Dire. I cough till I honk and then spit up. Which is the upside. I do enjoy a lick of fresh sick.
I have to be quick though. They try and grab it first, which is unfair. I made it, so it’s mine, right? I did a brilliant sick on the first day. Tons of it. Sloshed all over the place. She told Him that I’d chucked up a pizza. Which was a big fat fib. I’d only had my usual brown crunchies, a red Christmas cracker that nobody wanted, and half a tub of guppy flakes. It was only a small tub, too. And most of the flakes were ground into the stair carpet. She hadn’t even let me chew the lid. But to be fair, every sweet-smelling splash was kinda round. And had bits in. But then She wouldn’t let me eat that either. Humans are mean.
So are the cats. Not a single word of congratulations for my upchucked pizza or sympathy for my cough. I think they’re jealous of my expertise. They’re fur balls aren’t even balls. More like hairy sausages. I also think you should be nice to people when they’re sick.
We had to go back to that place with the table that goes up and down. A lady in a white coat who was pretending to be friends tried to stick something up my derriere, but I wasn’t having that. I told her off and sat on my butt. Ha! Eventually I did a deal with my She: I’d trade being poked for a handful of treats. Then the lady in the white coat said I had kennel cough. My She said that was odd because it should have been impossible for me to catch kennel cough. And quite right, too. I should have basket cough. Didn’t like being called odd though. What happened to adorable, smart, problem-solver, lightning thief? Way to kick a pup when he’s down.
I pricked up both ears again when She asked whether I could give my kennel cough to the cats. Good idea. I can give them half each and watch them honk and spit. Cat sick is inferior to dog sick, obviously, but hey, I’ll take what I can get to first. She can’t wipe up both at the same time, can she? But alas, no. Turns out it’s finders keepers and I get to have the cough all to myself. But then the lady in the white coat said I’m not allowed to play with other dogs in case they take my cough! What’s up with that? Humans are weird.
But I probably can’t go to puppy class next week. How unlucky is that? I broke my treat record last time and polished off a
whole packet. There’s a new dog in our group, a little black dude. His She said he was Boss. Ha! In his dreams. Not in my puppy class. I thought the puppy school lady should have sorted him out, but she smiled and said he was welcome. But I’ve got his number and my beady right blue eye on him. He stands on his back legs and still only comes up to my shoulder. I’m happy to sit on him whenever the need arises. Which will be soon.
But I do like other dogs. My pal Yoshi and I went for a long winter walk in the woods. It was great. We said hello to other dogs we met and took it in turns to pee. Yellow snow is the best! And ice! We all had fun sliding about on the ice. Yoshi’s She said it will be easier when it gets warmer. I didn’t know ice got slippier when it’s warmer. I’m looking forward to that. Hope I’m better by then. It’s pretty boring around here at the moment.
We were on a roll a few weeks ago. Turkey, ham and sausages galore. We played a game where I helped myself to something off the smörgåsbord and they had to guess what I’d taken. She called it Kim’s Game. What’s up with that? It’s called Watson’s Game. The gravlax was delicious. I wanted to play again but nobody else did.
But those were good days. He and I went for long walks and then we all put our paws up to watch tv. Theo kept sitting on His lap. Yoshi should teach that cat a thing or two about taking turns. Just because I have my own blanket and chew toy in a sofa doesn’t mean that I want to lie there. I like to keep my options open. And if I have to lie on my sofa, shouldn’t the cats stay up their trees? Exactly. He and She are definitely not fair.
Now apart from chew sticks, toys, puppy school, hassling the cats, playing in the snow, visits to cafes, meeting pals, and learning to walk nicely on a lead and other fancy tricks, it’s the same old, same old.
So, I’m bored. I wonder if it’s any warmer yet? Think I’ll drop a boot by her foot and see whether She’ll let me take her for a walk.